Irony. Packaged in a nutshell

A Career Ladder

2007-10-08T21:06:00.000+08:00

This was done just right after i sent terence off.

A career ladder

Have you seen
A black widow mating dance?

She takes him in,
The unwilling appendage

Into the glorified cave
That is her office

And him the unwilling partner
holding the perfect wedding gift

And with his deathly throes,
He furnishes a wonderful evening

Dinner, Dance and the nightcap
Before we retire within

He relaxes, after his calling is sated
She extends to him,Octet eyes unsmiling

Waiting for her nightcap, to call at whim.

checklist

2007-10-07T20:09:00.000+08:00

1. Hiros birthday : Budget?
2. Jon's Birthday : Budget?
3. Lilian's present : Wrapping?
4.Retail therapy :

1) Learn Japanese Manga book?
2) New shoes (70)

SOTD moment? Write? blog?

Out of sight, Out of mind

2007-09-14T21:53:00.001+08:00

New angst to clear the cobwebs. I am fine. really. More to come.

Out of sight, Out of mind

The more i try my best to put a name to what i do each day,
The more this strange strange well of sadness seems to come.
Sometimes , it sounds like music
Stuff made of chords , tabs and little crazies.
The others , feel like noise, to an uncertain mind.
I would put each little memory into a glass case
Mimicing a ivory tower to reach the sky,
to feel for a silver lining.
Only to come crashing down on throes of anti-climax.
Like how i am, now.

I tried to listen to myself today.
I gave each of my memories ,a grave.
One labeled happiness, another sadness, etc.
(sic) - and i attach a sticker tag, with a ribbon on the end.

Me, myself and I.
No self, No denial ,No ambitious cravings
Of piece bits of maligned betrayal.
To myself? I ask.
Or to a memory of myself , i attached a ribbon to?

Decrypt , and i might feel happier.
Encrypt , and perhaps i might find myself
safe , in the arms of lady lucid dreams
Whose constant visitations
fray my bit-pieced encryption

complete with the ribbon.

shaking the cobwebs.

2007-08-17T23:35:00.000+08:00

this place is starting to grow fungi.

i wont deny i have been posting somewhere else. but what the hell. lets just switch back here for a while.

random tugs from afar.

2007-05-21T02:07:00.000+08:00

i miss my friends.

i want to do something at least not related to work for a while.

let sleeping dogs lie ( 2 )

2007-03-17T21:45:00.001+08:00

I would have taken the ferris wheel
if it wasnt for the wind whispering me to take haste

and go home

So I turned towards the gates
wondering when I would revisit this carnival again

of makeshift laughter
Bedside respites
Apnea driven insight
Fleeting glimpses of an assurance
that perhaps i was day instead of night.

And so , while mahjong tiles wash, and gather
Building blocks of eighteen, nineteen,sometimes to sunder

I wish. Perhaps, i was like that in age and time.

White. Covered, and out of sight.

grow some steel

2007-03-17T01:34:00.001+08:00

++ void main (void)

Something from camp.

2006-12-29T15:47:00.000+08:00

So yes, i enlisted and theres a whole bunch of things i have YET to do. namely

1) resend a parcel out of singapore - i sent 2 parcels out to sweden and one came back with a return to sender logo and 40 dollars wasted =/.

2) Bjorn and his super late bday present.

3) a few christmas presents

4) christophers ipod is still sitting on my table. (edit : i just checked someones blog and turns out i just wasted quite some cash -.-)

Guys please ring me up / email asap to get the stuff? >.<, i am developing Tekongitis. ( lack of hair + helmet = no brains)

Tekong is ok, i think either i really did something in my past life , or i am just really plain lucky, i got into a warrant officer's company. At least there isnt so much chicken shit to endure and we dont have to wait to rush, rush to wait that much. While i stil cannot sleep well, i have got a bunch of hacked-off bunnies for section mates. so i am still quite sane. In the past 3 weeks , i have learnt that :

1) I cannot shoot for nuts in the day time

2) 101 ways to stay awake during lectures

3) had my bed shaken at 3 in the morning by NO one.

4) been having 3 very consistent dreams involving people around me.

5) have learnt that while the internet makes you stupid, the army makes you plain dumb. I believe my english is now alot worse. So much for the try-to-learn-how-to-switch-to-proper-english-thing.

6) learnt that i DO NOT have a psycho motor problem. (whew)

7) learnt to be alot more sincere every night before i sleep.

8) seen chicken in 1001 different variations

9) seen guys who are just plain bo chup =/

10) wrote. alot.

11) learnt that there really is something about dreams. Perhpas i am just overimaginating things or something. argh.

12) that being sincere, in whatever you do, is just going to get you cheated, and hurt. Along the way. 13) happpened.

13) to stop lying, not because i want to impress, not because i need to, there wasnt a need in the first place, and when you strip everything bare, i lied to give myself a veneer of normality, because i was, always afraid of everyone else.

14) that i do crave for the attention people shower, and that i shouldnt be ashamed, even though i sometimes really literally need to be pulled out of anything. So heres the shout out : WHERE ARE YOU GUYS!?

15) to listen to myself. I will allow myself to be upset, that way, i wont be so afraid to tell the truth, and to stop lying.

16) That deep down. i really want to help the peeps around me , and that while i still think i am a fundamentally selfish and naive prick , at least i am better then some pricks who lie to me instead when i really just want to try to help. which leads to...

17) to respect people's privacy, and to defend yours like a bitch. AM NOT SNOOPING AROUND PRIVATE BLOGS. THANK YOU.

18) to trust people. despite my own reservations on it.

19) to never bite back at people. You might never know, how much you really hurt others instead. I ended up being paranoid this way on the receiving end.

20) what i want, whom i want to be, and what i need to do. Funny that it takes a trip to sweden, A talk in uppsala,a trip to lons boda ,a power trip at home, A talk at the 2 durians,a PC interview, and a klaxon everyday for me to come to terms slowly with myself.

Suddenly , it isnt baby steps. It's like i have so much to catch up on suddenly and so many things not to take for granted for.

Another affliction

2006-12-07T09:33:00.001+08:00

I feel slightly better after posting this somewhere else some time back. Of course, certain events helped me along the way. Perhaps , slowly. it is time to move on.

===========================================

So lets try to put on down what I have been carefully avoiding not talking about all along.

Pain.

Its simple really. Perhaps I am over-sensitive . Or perhaps , i love life too much in that sense out of a selfish urge within myself. It could be a simple act that starts a whole new sense of insecurity , or the niggling sense of guilt when you cannot do anything - much like thinking about something you cannot find a solution to - all too easy considering the length and width of what i had been thinking about . From considering Jonathan's words , to dealing with more and more bits of my own past as i dig out and finally throw away stuff from secondary school, to dealing with the more painful bits of finally , perhaps throwing away the little momentoes that still hang around during JC - and whom am i trying to kid that by throwing it away, you allow yourself an avenue to regret, to forget , to perhaps, forgive the little symphonies of melacholny that i experience out of selfish vanity.

Wrong.

Then comes a point where you just want to live life day to day, to not fret too much over your own future , to not fret even more so about family, friends. To just answer and fufill simply what both ask for. It is simple. Really.

Wrong.

What is it like? Or the intensity of it like? Imagine living through your own memories while you sleep everyday , as the memory explores itself through the various options of what ifs nots and weres. Imagine waking up feeling empty, trying very hard to slice using a knife without your own mind going into overdrive. Imagine having to live with disappointment - of failing your friends , whom you treasure dearly, whom cannot fanthom why you think you have failed them, attributing it to self-induced pain. Imagine having to relive the tension within just trying to burst out when its 4 in the morning , you are alone , and you wake up gasping for breath. Only to find out that its only four , its still dark, and your stomach feels as though someone definately decided to put a volcano inside while booking himself/herself on a trip to pompeii. Think, of dark eye rings, of an edgy mind just plain refusing to obey to die and stop allow itself to develop the possiblities. Think, as you keep silent. showing only the slightest trace of anger even AFTER you tell someone over the phone that you are now pissed, then putting down the phone, pretending nothing has ever happened, and try to lose yourself in a world of double kills, triple kills, and OWNING - of course. that was me being fragged. Think, of the bittersweet feeling you get flipping through the memory of the first girl who actually made you truly happy when you flew halfway around the globe to tell her that you are worrying, betraying your own feelings as a result knowing full well she had none to recipocrate in the first place - and having to endure the bitter that a awkward self imposed rift forms from 2 individuals trying to run away - one not wishing to talk about it, think about it, and allowing normality to resume while having to deal with the additonal burden of facing herself, the other well. Read the above. Imagine. clinging onto the hope that you could be caught. that perhaps you might just have enough worth to your friends that maybe those you hold closest might notice that you were falling and try to comfort you. Dream on.

I just want to live my life day by day, and i dont want to take my friends, or my family for granted - Doing everything i have to treasure and preserve - but even for that . I am questioned , as much as i question myself for being a fool.

I was never worth anything in the first place to ask for so much from my friends.

Shoelaces , and a belgian morning.

2006-12-04T04:37:00.001+08:00

Shoelaces , and a belgian morning.

I rub my eyes and stretch
wishing I had slept earlier
Breathed alot easier
Feel alot better, and sing
Like a certain canary
out of merciful captivity
and into this haze
Of flutter and stutter
Dicing my heart's gaze
Into mindless, symbolic bits of chatter.
so that myself , i can digest, that i matter

Wake me up. Please. From this little spell.
As i tie these shoelaces, while riding the carousel

SIMI LANJIAO?!

2006-11-04T12:06:00.001+08:00

UB welcomes international students who are prepared to face the challenges and take advantage of the opportunities offered by a top-quality university. Students are admitted to UB on a competitive basis. Most admitted freshmen students have an overall secondary school average of 85% ("B" average) or better; most rank in the top 25% or higher of their secondary school graduating class; and most have a combined SAT I score of 1,100 or higher.
Most successful students at UB have taken a university preparatory curriculum in secondary school. The following courses are not required for admission to UB, but are suggested as adequate preparation for university-level coursework:
4 years of English (with a substantial writing component) -- @)!$(*@()*$!@$
4 years of social studies
3 years of college-preparatory science
3 years of college-preparatory mathematics

blog something

2006-10-21T04:34:00.001+08:00

Sleep. wake up. Sleep wake up Sleep. wake up. Sleep wake up Sleep. wake up. Sleep wake up

there you go. something .

good night.

2006-10-05T21:03:00.000+08:00

stay happy please.

You have your blood, my lord.

2006-09-27T01:58:00.000+08:00

Windows

Look forth , my lord and plot my glory to see
so that my eyes , a window to this sullen symphony
can see its high peaks , jarring notes
Strings of treble-classed hymms
and hear your children upon this pasture
trapped in your little orchestra

Unto the fields , where your flag is victorious!
Blasphemy! Infamy! They shout
The plunder is rich. The rebels are cast out
Your eyes are sad, Father.
Shall I reach for my sword?
Can i call the herald?
Or is it the work of the devil?
Is this not your will?

Could it be the burnings?
Would it be the rape? or the prisoners staved?
All in your name? I would smite them!
Hold your hand you said , but i don't understand father.
What is this gold in rebel's stock you speak of?
This is but man's way , just another voice in their heads , you said.

But a voice all the same!
The same way you too! and I am one!
What should I do father?
Where is my father's praise?
When would man take leave from his own fate?

The halls are silent tonight.

Oh father, why do you sing sadly?

Edit . Sleep.

2006-09-06T06:33:00.000+08:00

Emo. One slow step at a time. Sleep.

Mummbling about the tasteless
As glazed , unfocused eyes scan the ceiling
Waiting , like pugatory in half-term sentence
For some fabric to tear in seamless heaven
Catching the frayed strands of holy-driven static
Giving lesser men a chance to toy with idle fantasies
Or greater beings to lose themselves in sweet sweet sleep

Then , like the italics that crown your current plight
They give it special attention, some try to shed some light
Giving the impression that you are very wrong
That somehow , somewhere, you should be kept aside
Where pleading not guilty is the stuff of movies
Where legendary confrontations , reside.

Further adding to the noise in my mental orchestra
Which , by the way dear friends, is missing a beat
This is horrible horrible music! Poison! Putrid!
How did I wander into this alleyway of three minute dreams
Where the pianist tunes his instrument of percussion terror
Allowing viola and violin to compare notes on scratching
And leaving the odd conductor missing
A coffee break he said, But you just had tea?

So what gain , barring monetary , do they seek
To quell my rising tidal wave ? My puddle of water isn't deep
Or meekly pose as one of my other fetish dolls
On this shallow pool of mud that represents my sleep.

Slept for 16 hrs

2006-09-02T19:12:00.001+08:00

Look at the title! >.<>.<

Emo. One slow step at a time.

2006-09-01T04:47:00.000+08:00

With words that you mumble incoherently
As glazed , unfocused eyes scan the ceiling
For their share of the heavens
And waiting for their moment
To call it their own, ego and duty collide.
So that lesser men can toy with their idle fantasies
Or for greater beings to lose themselves to sweet sweet sleep
Then , like the italics that crown your current plight
They give it special attention, some try to shed some light
Giving the impression that you are very wrong
That somehow , somewhere, you should be kept aside
Where pleading not guilty is commonplace
Where legendary confrontations , reside.
So what gain , barring monetary , do they seek
To quell my rising tidal wave ? My puddle of water isn't deep
Or meekly pose as one of my other fetish dolls
Further adding noise and poison to my orchestra
Which , by the way dear friends, is missing a beat.
On this shallow pool of mud that represents my sleep.

water.

2006-08-28T03:17:00.000+08:00

Am slowly getting that little voice back.

Time to build some confidence.

Tao Zhe - Tai Mei Li (陶喆-太美丽)

2006-08-27T02:38:00.000+08:00

每一滴眼泪
每一次心碎
什么爱能无疚无悔
不灰心等待
痛苦也忍耐
你坚持爱了就不后退
我知道我不是一个轻易就会说爱的人
没有想到这样的你却改变我

太美丽
太美丽
你的爱是多么的甜蜜
太美丽,爱让我也美丽
现在我不再怀疑不怀疑有多爱你
每一个脚印
每一朵乌云
说着我的飘忽不定
伤你伤好深
别人早就要放弃
为何你还是会给我宽容
我知道我不是一个轻易就会说爱的人
可是你坚强的付出却改变我

太美丽
太美丽
你的爱是多么的甜蜜
太美丽,爱让我也美丽
现在你也不必再去怀疑
当你在风雨的未知里走过
当我在迷失的自我的漩涡
交汇在黑暗中你我发出了新的光芒
现在我已全明白什么是爱的真义

太美丽
太美丽
你的爱让生命太甜蜜
太美丽只有对你感激
越过表面我看见你
美丽的心

你最美丽
你太美丽

how to make weiming happy.

2006-08-26T01:52:00.000+08:00

This is how you make clarence happy.

Give him something to occupy himself.

THIS. is how you make weiming happy =)

1) brownie
2) waffles
3) peeps around him =)

thanks guys.

Notes to self

2006-08-25T04:53:00.000+08:00

Notes to self :

1) Meet jon for haircut on friday
2) Recording - At least finish the song well.
3) "You ain't see nothing yet" - finish it.
4) Slyvia plath - GET THE DAMN BOOK ALREADY. QUIT STARING AND DROOLING.
5) Find some direction
6) START ON WEBBY >.<
7) Compile every single thing u ever written/have not lost to try and keep track on style.

block

2006-08-20T21:46:00.000+08:00

I have difficulty writing anything at the moment.

I cant describe or find that steam of thought that starts me writing.

i had to force myself through writing a certain chorus

i can't seem to get a certain experience out of myself. - covering your ears while bathing

and i still got one more last unresolved issue .

I am going out to vent out that anger thingmabob. yes yes.

Jonathan.

2006-08-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

With gangerious tunes foraging for moods
the gentle silence jostles its way
Litany of questions best left on the shelf
Pause
And hear yourself think
And with the passing of time ,
The loose notes let themselves sink
Into the comfortable hues of colours
Fidget.
Stop it.
Stop shaking already.
Before the excuses set in
To visualise, a sudden spray of purplish green
Permeating the room with longing and unforgiving waves of...
Nausea.
Wake up!
Dont spill the coffee!
So whilst you stir in your sleep
As I might know - later on.
This strange song. This song of silence
The singing continues into the night

Nausea.
Sleep.
Dreams don't always lie.

i learnt a new word today

2006-08-11T03:13:00.000+08:00

Two men are talking in a bar

"So..... you think you would bag a sheep if you were one?"

"Aye...i suppose so...."

"YOU SHEEP FUCKER!"

-fin-

feeling lame =(

Factory dolls

2006-08-06T03:55:00.000+08:00

wax lyrical darling.
And remind me of your listless mornings
where coffees and tabletop arguments reign
Amazing mondays and their missing miracles

Scent , perfume, memory.
So here we linger in our newfound glory
Juggling the fool and the hierophant with love
Freeze in the swealtering jungle heat - and breathe

Of noon showers , and naps
Funny how the sun tilts slightly
And froths in fits , undeveloped passion.
Your sewage of dreams

Evening. Lanky shadows. Loose silk.
Don't try too hard with the talking
Krall plays in the background. Hear. See
Serial drams , animes . sub-zero cameras to buy

Would you forgive me?

EDIT : ok. apparently after a phone call from jon , this looks as though i am writing about someone. NO. am not writing about anyone in particular. This deals with time.

rants

2006-08-03T01:30:00.000+08:00

i just dont understand why some people can hide so well.

and i just dont understand why some days, i over react so badly.

TO ALL YOU 4 IDIOTS TODAY.

I DO FUCKING CARE ALRIGHT ^_^V IF I AM BEING OVERBEARING. PLEASE DO NOT SNAP AT ME LIKE TWO OF YOU. THEN COME BACK APOLOGISE. HARLOW. PPLE NEVER SAY ANYTHING YOU ALSO SNAP. NOT VERY NICE. DANKE!

*breathes out*

and to the last person i spoke to before i decide to take a walk ; you have incredible self control. I only wish i had that.

loose ends

2006-07-23T02:04:00.000+08:00

Tuesday

Loose ends 2

Your braying echoes off these hallowed walls
As your own castle is staked by pinheads
Blunt, crude , straight to the point that painful itch
Whitewash the smear off your cheek
So trade those nuts , bolts and washers
Attach and fasten , jobbing pirate!
Sweaty palms , the electric chair speaks
Ahoy!Ye be the next sweetcheeks.
Heart on the table,Thank ye .
Will whiter my flowers on your tombstone
After this little ride down sing song town
Down the plank ye go, trick or treat for ye.

Undermining your mind
"I think, therefore i am"

Update! achtung!

2006-07-23T01:41:00.000+08:00

Paid a visit to the Docs - Guess whos going back to popping pills in the morning? >.<

Monday was a blast. KTV was good heh. especially towards the end. Hope the birthday girl liked the chocolate fudge cake and the book.

Rest of the week was pretty ok....learnt how to play bridge! and i am *coughs* quite addicted to it =P

lotsa edits to stuff. Went for debarrment interview...wasnt much..... am happy.

have lotsa stuff to finish >.<

Emoness aside.......am coping pretty good =D

will post what i wrote over the week on sunday i guess ^^

what should i do?

2006-07-16T21:06:00.000+08:00

Some words can really sink your day.

When i try my best at the very least to open up or a little harder to be brave . at the very least dont bite.

On a better note , it shows that i still have a long way to go before i make myself understood.

I am sorry.

good bye henry

2006-07-16T15:44:00.000+08:00

Go in peace. At the very least. Know that we will join you soon.

Your friends wont cry. We know that at the very least, You be drinking to us, As we to you.

good bye henry.

Fragile.

2006-07-13T23:40:00.000+08:00

Am tired. Really tired.

Got a phone call telling me that a friend of mine was hospitalised, and it dosent sound too good.

dosent help with the fact that i have been postively thinking too much.

Am probably gonna visit him tommorow i guess.

laters.

Practice.

2006-06-30T23:35:00.000+08:00

Aite. Wasnt angsty. Just wanted to try out something over here.

And you put a value to my head
As you shoved dirt to me while i was hungry
Maybe i was that unwanted child
And that you wanted to end things, live on so to speak
ending my life in red gauze and vaccum pipes
So i could taste life , taste pain
And your will be done , the rope burns were still there
So Eat me while you cast a shadow over my little cell.

For I am now gone. And I forgive you.

Broken.

2006-06-22T23:52:00.000+08:00

Write on the dotted line. Please.

Missives. Always sinister
Always meaningless
Always missing

And latent emotions touch.
Mix into ungrateful pot luck
Sandy legs with sediment sentiment

Always sinister

And as the cameraman sets contrast.
Prison Clothes adorned. Black and White.
Lately, the clouds have only sung sadly.

Always meaningless

With a mad toothy grin
Purged and heavily sedated
His eyes linger through the haze.

Pot luck. And he drinks in happily.

Always missing.

Broken.

what to post?

2006-05-02T04:18:00.000+08:00

i have not posted for so long? and now. i have to think of what to post.

to be honest. i am afraid. so yes. let me think before i finally do jot something down here.

more soon. in the following day.

edit : this just in.

Marzipan

Like tangled wires on a breadboard
Your mind rests on the edge
chisled and cut from younger misdirects
A tender finish to your Marzipan

To the untrained, and the unworthy
rubbed raw and already listless from the day's turn
The phantom fruit grips bitter
Sometimes juicy flesh is better

Longing , by the roadside towards home
A moment to keep for the gentle worm
Lingering around in that Marzipan soul
working its way to your brew, cracks wait for the paint to dry.

Smoke , Mirrors and that layer of Ice
Nope. No sugar , No spice.
Pour over those dregs into the sink
Preserved fruits are best sold cold.

21, and E-21

2006-04-06T02:03:00.000+08:00

Oh well, am 21! >.<

spent it .... with a few madies ... from dead baby jokes to the legendary e21

5 part irish coffee
5 part tobasco sauce
1 part watermelon juice
1 part toasted breadcrumbes
1 part cream
1 part chicken chowder stew..

yes. >.<. painful. >.<

msia

2006-03-18T04:41:00.000+08:00

Am going to msia guys! contact me via email (clarence.wm@gmail.com/templar_sg@hotmail.com) or call me if its really urgent

i need time to think and unwind. dont know where i am going after KL. but most probably its nearer to the sea.

see you guys (BME peeps) on the 24th (hopefully >.<)

dumb.

2006-03-17T03:44:00.000+08:00

i lost my writing book...

contained 12 entries =/

am searching rather desperately for it now.

more later >.<

abridged.

2006-03-14T02:45:00.000+08:00

Summary floating
flying in the chilling winds
latent feelings boil.

parasite

2006-03-03T03:29:00.000+08:00

Am a parasite.

more later.

pretty words and four years

2006-02-22T16:43:00.000+08:00

This week. marks well. 4 years already.

i have tried my best to keep myself in check for the past few days. Surrounded myself with things to do, with thanks to....

1) Hiro - for dragging me out.
2) Lynette - for well. reminding me some stuff - "ben jiu shi ben!" :P
3) Chris and Yi Hau + abraham - for just being around. heh. i think our new line is - "AN ZHUA KUAN" -- so how now?
4) Amelia - for being really really very sweet.

saving the best for the last. - Grace

But. well. not to TRY and be a wet blanket... In the end. No one still really knows how to pull myself out of the mess than myself, and honestly. if i still have no idea how to, i just have to try and experiment eh? =)

EDIT :2) Lynette - for well. reminding me some stuff - "ben jiu shi ben!" :P --- I made u upset cos of what i said =/ well. Read the sms please >.<.

2) lynette - Hope. And showing me how to.

mini vans and taxis

2006-02-21T17:22:00.000+08:00

Misses and Befores

Your words are chaste
The touch, forgiving
As you drink slowly, hot chocolate tether
Relieving the what ifs, the what nots, the last times.

In backdrop of staked gospel fetish
another candle, another prayer in silence
i am ok, the unquestioning smile
obfuscate the soul by pillaging on my plight

rubbing the sleep off your eyes
and stare into the night sky
catch another oogling star
staring and stalking into your memory of the night

Of Eyes and toppings

2006-02-19T03:55:00.000+08:00

Of eyes, cream and toppings

Mint left in the heat of your breath
Like shallow surprises hidden in every mouthful
taking u away to rooms of clear, flavoured laughter
and leaving behind the grinning aftertaste of one spoon.

The next spoon, and the next, and the next
eat till you can see wooden shear lines behind the bowl
And dropping the spoon,only of little peeks at your soul
Ever the rope-ladder,Blushes and Cries from the cold.

Vanilla and Berries get thrown into the mix
Lighting the ticklish passion - the untold juxtapose
A mask within another. Signature in flourish with a feather
How ever did sweet tender vanilla mix with the mourise juices of berries

as ragged nut toppings sprinkled with love on top of it all
the bowl is now full. Released like little agonies on the platter.
As you stared back into the mirror.
On the edge of your mind, with the little stings like that tip of the blade.

Only this time, you looked back instead
And I. on the binge, ate sour cream, like i always did.

I need a blindfold

Clarence.

ANGST

2006-02-14T03:41:00.000+08:00

ANGST FLASH

WHY IS EVERYONE GOING I DONT UNDERSTAND AT FRIGGING 3 AM IN THE DAMN MORNING.

-fin-

Grace of a Mirumoto + grace

2006-02-14T02:00:00.000+08:00

Dance of the twin sisters

the morning wind speaks
twin blades drawn in unison
mourning prayer lit

Grace.

In the unhindering ease of a silent candle
A younger voice speaks
Flickering within another flame
the apple of colours in flux

Traces of outer walls in the standing spire of sand castles
Into the night, Unto the dark,jagged songs run away
Not lingering for the smells of the night
Jasmine too, should be given a chance.

And as dawn breaks
the candle is blown.
Purist, lob the clothes into the machine
the drum turns and the grime is gone.

Grace.

Old problems

2006-02-09T05:56:00.000+08:00

Old problems

All of a sudden. when u think you got it controlled , the dull pinching pain in your stomach reminds you in the morning to

1)EAT

2) EAT PROPERLY

>.<

A Thousand Sights, A single pair of eyes.

2006-02-07T22:52:00.000+08:00

A Thousand Sights, A single pair of eyes

Already. You can feel the thug
A warm, tentative pull to the east
As the sun rises to another day
As you watch your own ruin via the distance

Hapless, in your lucid dreams
where you only wish you could stay
and actually turn them into reality
taking little stories as they unfold

but then again, such was never you
As your blossom years past you by,
you chose to let friends grow out of you
and you, left on the shelf.

So somtimes, when you face another dusty tome again
you panic, you despair at the beggining of the end
as you always took little comfort writing
maybe, you will take more rest keeping the silence

Then grow, and grow
Because those around you never could tell.
Your promises, your little silent ones too.
as you fancied yourself in that prison cell.

As always, you cannot bear to face them again
the hunting flock of trends and minds
your only wish, was someone whom could tell
oh foolish words, you knew it yourself.

The past, was always yours to forget
The flesh has decayed,
but the bones are still whole
And as much as you wanted to, grief, not vision, follows your shadows

And so, how you always wished.
like i said before, foolish words to yourself.
there was never a perhaps
there is only. show and tell.

In the small windowed cell
where sometimes i let my mind wonder
How are you now? Have you grown, Have you gone better.
And the wind brings news to me. In my small windowed cell

Distance. In her sweet embrace
has taught me how to forget
But after all, lighter days are harder to remember
Because. You remember me.

As Foul.

Cry. and cry. and cry..... and it dosent work.

incessant noise

2006-02-07T00:14:00.000+08:00

Incessant Noise

So, Are we not already here?
In the daily outrages of little lives
where underneath silver-lined fronts and excuses
we plough through the daily necessities of the mystic life.

With makeshift changes, were to regard rape as a mild social deviation
Tantalising unknowns to mock your foolish words.
And then comes the praying, Heart and soul collide.
Remember the days when deeds to words were special, remember nothing.

Like another unyielding stone set against the currents
Pitted to allow various days to fade away
The youngest amongst us can hope to try and forget
The oldest can only hope to try and remember

Little angsties in harms way,pillows, pills, Nightmares path
Ancient hearts free to poison and free away
The solemn mind cries, choice , already made.
Noise would now just be another trade.

what i think, what i do . and what i feel.

How to live another life.

2006-02-06T01:08:00.000+08:00

They say that sometimes. its better to just forget.

No.

I hope. for now. you have learnt what i sought to tell you so badly breaking promises. I am gone.

the harder way to do things

2006-01-27T01:06:00.000+08:00

the harder way to do things

Its so hard. sometimes. i really want to tell peeps everything, but before that i have gotta measure it up to myself and to the other person first.

Do i double cross myself? or should i just let life take its own course. where i want to or not. how can i expect myself to tell someone else smth if the other person dosent want to talk instead? =/

sometimes is it me. or do i really pick a bad timing =|

Anyway. had to get out of the house. i wanted to catch up on my sleep abit. at home. then well. i went out cos my sister and mum sorta erm......ticked me off. i din wanna be angwee with them =/ they just came back from work. so i conjured many lame excuses and went out. called lyn. well. she was upset =/ ( i am really sorry i spoilt your day) wanted to tell her smth i dreamt about, yea. but well. i just went straight to cineleisure to meet lisheng and grace. played 2 rds of pool. pissed grace off THRICE =/ ok. bad. met with kelvin at 7-11 (dinner) and welll. another unhappy incident later. i just reached home feeling abit more empty and wishing how i could make things better

lyn : eh. plsplsplspslpslpslpslpslspls. sorry. -.- i dont know what i did this time =( (besides that comment)

grace : eh sorry -.- . i be nicer on the phone too =|

kelvin : chill. relax. dont think too much

Smile

2006-01-23T05:52:00.000+08:00

Smile

Please smile. and really mean it.

I get the feeling that you havent done so for a long time, or either that. its always marred by something else and i am really sad.

Clarence

wedding lunches, friends, and being afraid of mics.

2006-01-23T05:14:00.000+08:00

wedding lunches, friends, and being afraid of mics.

Argh. just noticed that my titles are always NOT visible. so until i get a new skin. i am just gonna post the title at the top.

Erm. Sunday came by pretty fast. Woke up at 1030 am ...to a very "OEI WHERE ARE YOU. YOU COMING ANOT" message/tone from terence, whom i have alot to thank for because he reminded me that Glenn and Cammie's Wedding makan was a LUNCH. NOT DINNER! ARGH! literally flew down to tanjong pagar for the lunch...which was quite a good affair, sans old ladies trying to FORCE YOU TO EAT EVERYTHING FOR 4 peeps who have to eat like...10 peeps share ( i dont mind the sharks fin though). L5r Guys are as crappy and fun as usual, and save for a unpleasant greeting which i did my best to shrug off from a person i did not really appreciate (DO NOT. in any sense . hit me on my back. ) Lunch was cool...

Then it was over. and i was chatting with a few friends while going out when...i saw my OLD GEOGRAPHY TEACHER!? miss yeo! sunshine! hurried over and chatted abit "You changed alot!" I down there -.-" (no wonder she couldnt recognise me -.-) . So left tanjong pagar with my friends. then rang grace up and found out that the xiao didi was at cineleisure. so made my way down to meet them....where i met lisheng for the first time ^^ . went kboxing....yes. for the older friends, i have this problem about mics, for the childgood friends, you probably know why =/ (i dont think any of them read the blog though). So in the first place, picking up a mic was.....erm quite a living nightmare ( dont laugh. i go to kbox to listen to peeps sing. its sometimes very much worth the cash). I croaked at some song (i aint saying which) lisheng choose for me before giving up, then towards the end of everything felt really really bad and actually tried my best to sing through some westlife song. ( >.< ).....then erm. for once. did this duet of a song ...my first chinese song i was exposed to from my sis =X

So yea. afterwards, sent lyn off, sent lisheng off to mrt, hiro and i went to play pool....and yes. i got whooped...AGAIN! XD

came home.....working on BPD finalr eview =/ (hate hate hate hate hate ^^)

well, considering that i have been sick for a week with flu, with the sore throats. the weeks been kind to me.

WRITTEN FOR A CERTAIN XIAODIDI WHO WANTS ME TO BLOG SOMETHING READABLE

Laters.
Clarence.

ps : i hate nightmares -.-

Close.

2006-01-21T13:02:00.000+08:00

For a graphologist, the spacing on the page reflects the writer's attitude toward their own world and relationship to things in his or her own space.� If the inputted data was correct Clarence has left lots of white space on the right side of the paper. Clarence fills up the rest of the page in a normal fashion. If this is true, then Clarence has� an unhealthy relationship to the past and has a fear of moving forward.�� The right side of the page represents the future and Clarence seems unwilling to face the fear of getting started living now and planning for the future.� Clarence seems to be clinging to past events and spending lots of time thinking about what happened.� It would be best to leave the past behind and move on.� Stop crowding that left margin.

Clarence has a healthy imagination and displays a fair amount of trust. He lets new people into his circle of friends. He uses his imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

Clarence is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect his ego when he feels hurt. He pokes people harder than he gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

Clarence's true self-image is unreasonably low. Someone once told Clarence that he wasn't a great and beautiful person, and he believed them. Clarence also has a fear that he might fail if he takes large risks. Therefore he resists setting his goals too high, risking failure. He doesn't have the internal confidence that frees him to take risks and chance failure. Clarence is capable of accomplishing much more than he is presently achieving. All this relates to his self-esteem. Clarence's self-concept is artificially low. Clarence will stay in a bad situation much too long... why? Because he is afraid that if he makes a change, it might get worse. It is hard for Clarence to plan too far into the future. He kind of takes things on a day to day basis. He may tell you his dreams but he is living in today, with a fear of making a change. No matter how loud he speaks, look at his actions. This is perhaps the biggest single barrier to happiness people not believing in and loving themselves. Clarence is an example of someone living with a low self-image, because their innate self-confidence was broken.

In reference to Clarence's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Clarence slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project. He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Clarence can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Clarence is secretive. He has secrets which he does not wish to share with others. He intentionally conceals things about himself. He has a private side that he intends to keep that way, especially concerning certain events in his past.

Clarence will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Clarence believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.

Clarence is moderately outgoing. His emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, he can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. He has the ability to put himself into the other person's shoes. Clarence will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes he will be happy, the next day he might be sad. He has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because he is in between. Psychology calls Clarence an ambivert. He understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, he will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." He doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing him to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to him. He puts himself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet he will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. Clarence is an expressive person. He outwardly shows his emotions. He may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. Clarence is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. He weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when he finally has to. He basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially.� According to the data input, Clarence doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Clarence can be defiant. He sometimes has the attitude that if someone doesn't like it the way he is doing it, then they can just "go to hell!" This trait may reveal itself in a rebellious nature that is always ready to resist forces which he thinks are infringing upon his freedom of action.

Clarence has a desire for attention. People around Clarence will notice this need. He may fulfill this need by a variety of ways depending on his own character.

divide and conquer

2006-01-19T02:16:00.000+08:00

Pricey tags in the musty room of hay with spices
Filled with little endless spirals of funny spiders
Maybe perhaps you could take a closer look
The magnified world of one eight legged crawler

Behold! meet Kyler. He squeaks (or thinks so) to you gleefully
Lunch is served , on the plate of his home
and he is content, for the next few hours is his world
Jingle. Sing . Dance with the coloured wings of the wind.

Then time flies, and Kyler grows lean.
Not a single catch in a few days, his mood grows mean
His thoughts wander afar. As he mends his home
Waiting for another meal to unfold.

Listening to the sound of the little creek (or so it seems to him)
as it drips and trickles down pipes of stoned grey
Gripped like fig to the pillars of which he makes his world
He tailors his web of thoughts to the drip. drip.drip.

And then. Like little insanities. He lets fly , and waits for the wind to catch him.

can i get a pwessie?

2006-01-15T22:12:00.000+08:00

ANGST POST : dont read if you dont want to.

I feel unappreciated, and crying into pillows dosent help -.-"

back to work

clarence

HQ

2006-01-15T02:34:00.000+08:00

wrote this at headquarters on the sofa while i was feeling rather broken and after i have already broken down twice in a day....but no. its not angsties!

folly

In the misty overtures of the young at heart
sometimes, calves and mothers graze and play
Unjudged, unfettered, they drink from lakes
lakes filled with hope for the morrow.

AS pretty words and pretty said.
Curtains of reality fall
unto the fields of evergreen lush and folly
Euthanasia in its newfound glory, the valley cries to sleep

Faith. in all its dressed up tenderness
takes hold in the younger hearts of those born from sin.
and that sometimes, the faithful have their hands tied to the stake
in the cross, ashes point to the deathbed of their home

Like rejuvenating ginger applied unto a cold
the valley wishes for its balm
lashing out for its cure
whom shall it look for next?

In the valley of the evergreen. Calves and mothers graze and play.

will post more later

clarence

ps : why no one leave comment or tag one =((( OEI!

oh well=/ i just woke up.

2006-01-13T03:32:00.000+08:00

yea. just woke up from another dream.....

sometimes u wonder if they are real, especially if you have been having different ones for the past few days -.-

I WANT TO SLEEP T.T

A penny for your thoughts

2006-01-08T23:10:00.000+08:00

In many ways, most of us never stop to think of the way we could potientially worry someone else instead when doing something.

PROMISE : No more walks alone at night ok? :)

sorry.

petals slumber at night
-----------------------------
Twists and Turns in the everlasting mind
Another "Soul to squeeze"
or the lack of it.
tumbling circles of the night

Wallflower motions to the tickles of the evening
Lasting , Coiled and ruffled
She drops her petals . one by one
The serene prose to the lingering smell of lavender.

Comfort to the bowl of soup
Brewed and makeshift to the world
Another soul drinks deep into it
The essence of your character. Sometimes. Another sings to your song instead.

and yes. that was my day =)

dooodeedooooo

2006-01-08T20:42:00.000+08:00

In peace. In war
In Tears, in rain
The sky shouts and hears us wake

In health, in sickness
in blessed, in bittersweet
Jade seperates gold and asks for forgiveness

In dance. In song
on folk, in love
where the sun has walked. I cried for your gaze

In love, in passiveness
In thrall, in length
i live, under my shame

Random junk in the new year

2006-01-05T08:41:00.000+08:00

Okkayyyy. now lets have some random junk to remind myself before i forget....

1) My shiro kitsuki needs help - how to construct a viable deck that offers better adpatability in a PK intensive environment - suicidal characters are not gonna help here.

2) BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG BLOG ^_^

3) Maple story can make you sleep.....

4) bash.org is hilarious :P

Ok back to not so squeaky nice stuff :

1) 6 phone calls from different peeps with the SAME problem dosent suit well with my appetite =( -- GUYS> DONT CALL DURING LUNCHTIME CAN. I KNOW RANTING HELPS.BUT I AM TRYING TO EAT ?!@##

ah... ok. next

2) I think sometimes i take for granted too much that sometimes being a bit more perceptive than others, i can feel through and react properly. uh uh. nope. quite insensitive =/ just gotta be more sensitive to my friends around me. Point number 1 reminds me why i should have forgone lunch to talk to someone who i felt needed the time =/. Guess it took a few instances before it hit me that i am insensitive to others =/ ( one person who literally hanged up. one person who threw a tantrum on me cos i replied innocently that i was tired =/ )

relax....almost there

3) i have this thing for writing. sure. i know. the stuff that most of you guys read here is whats actually quite edited already - meaning that i actually got around the fear of someone else reading what i write. - most people who try to write to express themselves have this fear anyway, but no matter. Will try to put more of what i wrote over the past one year up here . heh, provided you guys :

- realise that some vocab, grammer mistakes were MEANT to be that way

-point it out to me, irritate me ( just in case the mistakes were very real)

-dont ask too many questions till i am ready to answer =/

aites! Biomaterials paper at 1pm later! back to books!

clarence

ps : blog more later.

xmas xmas xmas

2005-12-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

i just had to do this :

IF I WERE GOD. I WILL MAKE IT SNOW.........NO CANNOT! LAST TIME ARH. I GOT CUT NEAR MY EYE BECAUSE OF SNOWBALL! *boom HEADSHOT* CANNOT SNOW CANNOT SNOW*

private joke ? yeap.

Little flakes on christmas nights
dancing in shallow song for mice
privy to secrets christmas holds
Tales of laughter long ago.

>.< more quzziesss

2005-10-22T04:50:00.000+08:00

Your Life Path Number Is 9

9

The keys your Life Path are compassion, generosity, and a very humanitarian attitude.

You are very trustworthy, honorable, and unlikely to harbor any sort of prejudice.

Obviously, this is a rather tall order, but you are, in fact, a person that feels very deeply for individuals less fortunate than yourself.

If you are in a position to help, you certainly will.

You tend to be quite sensitive, as you see the world with much feeling and compassion.

The 9, being the highest of the single digit numbers, holds an elevated position and poses certain responsibilities.

Your purpose of life is of a philosophical nature.

Judges, spiritual leaders, healers and educators frequently have much 9 energy.

Material gains are not overly important to you.

You have a very selfless attitude and will give up of material possessions for the common good.

he desire to help others, especially the troubled or underprivileged, is strong.

You are apt to frequently find yourself being used and let down by others, as your generosity is misused and abused.

Your very deep understanding of life is sometimes manifested in the artistic and literary fields.

Here you may be able to express your deep emotional feelings through painting, writing, music, or other art forms.

Often, however, there if a great deal of difficulty finding a suitable outlet for the your Life Path.

You are usually well suited to the helping and healing professions... but less inclined to the competitive business environment.

You have the ability to make friends very easily, as people are attracted to your magnetic, open personality.

You have a special gift of understanding people, which if used correctly can be of great benefit to others.

Your interest in people tends to make you quite social.

People just naturally like you because you are so sympathetic, tolerant and broad-minded.

In many ways, you are a romantic that can get lost in your loves and passions.

Relationships can be difficult for you, however, because it is hard to strike a balance that will work effectively.

If your partner is one sharing your giving attitudes, the relationship will be happy and lasting.

On the other hand, if you choose a partner whose focus is on material issues, problems will arise quickly.

As do all the life path numbers, the 9 has its negative side, and because of the demanding nature of the truly positive 9, many tend to fail in this category.

It is not uncommon for persons with the 9 life path to fight the realities and challenges of purpose imposed... because selflessness is not an easy trait.

You may have difficulty believing that giving and a lack of personal ambition can be satisfying.

You must accept that little long-term satisfaction and happiness is to be gained by rejecting the natural humanitarian inclinations of your path.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

errr QUIIZZIES

2005-09-26T22:47:00.000+08:00

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.
You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.
Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.
You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Corrs (borrow heaven) - Baby be brave

2005-07-24T05:09:00.000+08:00

Ann

What were your dreams like once?
In peaceful slumber as you lay
Time passes like still waters at the bay

Were you in wonderland, the world of your own?
Dining with the queen of hearts?
Dancing your night away, whilst playing the spook with the cat
In wonderland, where did you stay?

Were you in the bamboo forests you so loved?
Taking in the fresh, crisp and cold air
Losing your gaze to the mountains
A dream within another, Letting your thoughts go wonder?

Or looking at your own scrapbook of stories
Faded photos, peeling dogged-eared yellowed bones
To your joyous relief , You understood, and remembered
Reading your own quintessiential guide to yourself?

Or, as you lay there awaiting for another day to come
Lost in the nightmare your loved ones were in as well
Hardly beliving in your own mortality
Ripples sent to the still waters by the bay

Where dreams gather and speak, i can still see you
In rememberance, watching a friend, pick up the pieces
for you. as you made your choice
Silence fills the space in your dreams, for you can see me too.

As i can only watch. and try to show, there is no other way.
I made another choice too that night. you know,
where dreams may come, if you choose to walk the trails at night
I will remain vigilant too.

Little toys

When did they grow up to be themselves?
Lost in their selfless wonder of the world around them

In youth, we play them, as they did play us
what goes on in their story instead?

Or , as we put them aside and go to sleep,
They awake, and patch their own wounds

then, tilling their souls, they look to us and they brim with tears,
hoping tommorow, the bite marks go away, and we will treat them better.

In another world, love and affection. Growing up
Touch and tell, The child-like innocence, wide-eyed wonder

In their eyes, where has the story been told
Of their whispers in the dark, praying to be stronger.

So as we awake the next morning, so many years ago. We see them on the floor
"Hi! could we play together?"

Southern blend

Orange smoothies,
Are we awake yet?
Its morning already love!
But its already evening!

Shall i fix the coffee then, love?
Its getting late! why dont we get to bed. You had a long day.
Have a great day ahead! see you later after work okay?
Hmm? You ok Honey? The tummy ache wont wait till next morning!

Hi! how was your day?
Feeling better? Need a backrub?
Whats for dinner? * sniffs you instead*
you know....work could wait till tommorow.....

the funnies.

clarence.

meow?

2005-07-24T04:28:00.000+08:00

Please do not read this entry if u fufill the following criteria:

1) You cant stand me and my angsties. * close window *
2) you chanced upon this * close window*
3) you decided to pay me a random visit by giving me a call, then afterwards granting the superficial nice catching up with you neat trick * close window *

*shrugs*

Sometimes , I know i just need someone to talk to. In a very perverse sense , I am starting to find that i am talking less. Not in terms of well talking literally, but more of actually thinking what i am talking about. most of the lines go along the lines off "ok will get it done" Recalling other stuff. trying to be polite or just plain trying to be silly by well. striking up a converstaion just for the sake of it.

so shoot me.

in many ways, i know i have got issues of my own to deal with , i cant trust alot of people , i try to hide alot. I know. Yes. i know. full stop. And people find me too weird for their liking. Lots of people i try to make an effort to actually well, reach out too sometimes...well arent really worth my effort . I would admit that i am being self centered, but i really really want someone to just talk to me sometimes . Not in a literal way. but in a way i can actually relate too. i guess

desperate. you bet. angsties are hard to control for me.

ok. bitch section * clik clik*

i just really dont understand. ok. fool. you are a busybody. i think thats what most peeps would tell you. sometimes. you should just mind your own bussiness aite? yea. i rather not. think of it this way. better to keep the whisper. then listen to the silence. cryptic enough?

hardly anyone talks to me w/o something in mind anymore.

sometimes i really wonder. if i am just there for ornamental reasons.

selfish bastard. yeh.

clarence

2005-07-20T15:22:00.000+08:00

okie. need to test this blog ONE last time. removed the offending table for all u IE users!

more quizzies...

2005-07-20T15:14:00.000+08:00

In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)

What Lies Behind Your Eyes?
brought to you by

just a little idea of how am i feeling =/

Remember me this way

2005-07-02T03:44:00.000+08:00

]
This was on my mind :)

jordan hill - remember me this way

Every now and then
We find a special friend
who never lets us down...

Who understands it all
reaches out each time we fall
you're the best friend i have found...

I know you can't stay
a part of you will never ever go away
your heart will stay.....

I'll make a wish for you,
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
if you lose your way,
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.

I don't need eyes to see
the love you bring to me,
no matter where I go
and I know that you'll be there
forever-more a part of me and everywhere
I'll always care.....

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true,
if life will just be kind,
to such a gentle mind,
and if you lose your way
think back on yesturday
remember me this way,
remember me this way.

and I'll be right behind your shoulder,watching you
I'll be standing by your side, all you do
and I won't ever leave
as long as you believe,
you just believe....

I'll make a wish for you
and hope it will come true
if life will just be kind
to such a gentle mind
and if you lose your way
think back on yesturday
remember me this way
remember me this way.
o.....
this way.

Tales.

2005-06-23T13:42:00.000+08:00

i wish i could fly away
in the slight recess i call a dream
maybe in your lingering bouts of steam
i could find you in the end of the spectrum of emotions

like Spirits with Steel , Nothing more than a fleeting fancy
As you thread the Milky way , leaving specks of dust along the way
Using the leftover threads to tell others , you were once here too.
Then, reaching over for your coughdrops, smile and pose for the camera.

Were You listening to the taperecorder again?
Listening to your own voice as you took stock of yourself
of better times, of times when the milk way was alot more fun? or was it?
Sometimes , Understanding is like another journey for me to make for you.

In English you say, its expertise.
In the language you know yourself. you call it existence.
In the language we speak to each other. you call it give and take
In the language you have already forgotten, it was longing.

Better to revisit your own grave ? naw.

clarence

hmm

2005-06-23T00:34:00.000+08:00

been quite some time since i last really talked? have i?

just a quick summary of what happened i guess.

kotei 2005 came...and went........ thanks to hentai sensei ( snigger) mark , who well. did a crash course on how to really use a honor running dragon deck , i went into kotei and cause quite a major upset apparently w/o realising, fought the top player ( who eventually went to win the kotei ) lost to him. won a old school player ( he walked straight into the honor rocket trap ) , lost to another ratling cos i was just plain gold screwed , won and lost a shadowland decktype each, the second one kinda being my fault cos i made a few mistakes =/

but hey, i did pretty well. 5 games, 2 wins, and most of the time. i fought well oldbies =/ 4 oldbies >.<

the rest of the group diddnt really fare too well. eugene and leslie got top of our group, expected but well, they could have kinda done better in their own words , glenn , well. he was kind sad because his crane deck did not perform too well =/ mark well. i really expected my sensei to be alot better than me cos his deck is really alot more powerful then mine, but he ended up losing 4 games =/

best part. my decks configured to fight mantis decks, i did not even meet one. grrr.

mark was kinda happy with me i think >.< belief i guess. heh. not everyday an underdog turns the tables around. and the look on eugenes face when i won kamal : priceless ( you won a match? huh? who you win?? WHAT?..then followed by the semi stunned look )

yea. ego ego ego >.< bad.

in other news. ann well. at least shes improving in terms of drip , but shes still well pretty much bed ridden and the bed sores are coming out =/ still worrying

still worrying for sean i guess. he has had it quite tough lately, he din really come for training either =/ so well. there we go

SS guys are still the same old bunch i guess =) stuff happened , but well. just trying my best to do whatever they ask of me. train alone, fight easy i guess. the bbq at butterz place was great. heh. lotsa of erm *ahem* bonding between those old fellas. had quite an interesting talk with sue.

work has been.......frankly quite shitty. it seems as though the more nags i get, the more constricted i become and the worse i become , geez.

wrote a few stuff here and there, only to have belle just rip it apart at the bbq >.<>.< notetoself : always keep whatever you write.

pretty dead huh? Its not there isnt much to write i guess besides mundane reporting , theres tons. just that well. i guess i am just feeling alittle bit more then just being tired

they once said that whatever u do, the consequences dont always show, or sometimes, you beat yourself up knowing that you had to do something like that.

then you wonder , and think how many times do you just have to be the scapegoat.

clarence.

spite me

2005-05-30T03:38:00.000+08:00

Taste. Flavour, my Dreams have texture
Food. Banter, the train ride home.
Have you asked for your place under?

In the four by four
inked in his own cell
the splintered creaks together with the tattered flooring
a quarter to give. none to savour the return trip.

lies in the dreamlike trance beside the tranquil lake
how many secrets does he keep?
untying the bonds ingrained to a sweet sinful perfection.

how will i find my peace tonight?

to mel : please get well :)

2005-04-18T00:26:00.000+08:00

The Daily Misquote

Read my wellness in the morning
take my daffodils to teh store
Use my shillings for the world
Maybe, just maybe, there is no tommorow

In the days if twilight,
just...take a quote a day
In the morning glcw , count your blessings from yesterday
Maybe, just maybe, make my day

Trading twins with the shallow water
My daily route to take
It wasnt here yesterday,
Will it be here tommorow?

Get well soon mel. =)

hmmm.

2005-04-13T00:41:00.000+08:00

Am deciding to leave the blog design as it is. to those IE users, sorry. but if u really wanna read my blog. u can always dl firefox :P (jk)

my birthday came and went. nothing much. i guess. just happier that pple wished me at the very least.

to cut a long story short. got into a few depressive fits.... ok. one long one. angsty me.

a friend of mine got hospitalised >.< . she just came out today! ^^ recover fast from the post op ok? supper sometime . heh :P

to mark : i AM concerned . and if you dont wish for me to. do me a favour. just ask me to fuck off. poor pun intended, you always seem so hard to reach, as much as i know i am out of sync as well as just pretty much thrown one side.

i got 5th in the EOME pre release , present surprise , even though i could have gotten 4th had not i not made that mistkae in that first rd against glenn, then again. it was a sealed deck thing, i was lucky i guess.

Attachment started. Things are ok i guess. time to learn the ropes slowly and hopefully not get caught behind. the jobs quite tiring , but no difference to exam schedules of sleeping weebit later. just that u are working. thats all.

Trying my best to put things as blunt as possible. am just tired.

clarence

weee something i posted in the airinc forums.

2005-03-31T01:42:00.000+08:00

the six of swords

white rushing waves set against
the mist of green sinful copper
the bronze statue
broken and his face forlorn
his gaze still proud and cutting the sky
his steed , fell and beloved ,
eyes that thirst for yesterday
his sword , already broken
yet the only gold set in the place of another heart
the black, visage of the precious
twisted in his final face to the world
his body already feel and limp
his hands the grip to the victor

yet. the victor carried the six of swords

die...

2005-03-18T23:54:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

i am...a female =/

2005-03-18T23:53:00.000+08:00

Your Brain is 80.00% Female, 20.00% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver

But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

What Gender Is Your Brain?

errrr huh?

2005-03-14T23:06:00.000+08:00

Advanced
You scored 86% Beginner, 100% Intermediate, 81% Advanced, and 72% Expert!

You have an extremely good understanding of beginner, intermediate, and
advanced level commonly confused English words, getting at least 75% of
each of these three levels' questions correct. This is an exceptional score. Remember, these are commonly confused English words, which means most people don't use them properly. You got an extremely respectable score.

Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it!

For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 21% on Beginner
You scored higher than 77% on Intermediate
You scored higher than 13% on Advanced
You scored higher than 63% on Expert

Link:

The blues. part 1

2005-02-28T12:18:00.000+08:00

feeling utterly terrible. nothing much has been going on other then studying , studying and more studying. and....trying to come to terms that my standards are falling...again.

cough and fever have been rather persistent for a few days now. hopefully it will clear up by wednesday. got human comm presenatation. and that will be difficult.

am trying to take my mind of today as much as possible. even though its rather hard. perhaps i should make another visit again.

time passes really quickly. its been 3 years already.

in other news..... my DODs.....failing. again. i always believed in trying to play my best. but lately with alot of work to do. and with me being kinda left out of all matters SS, including first team or compy team matters. i feel kinda lost all of a sudden. it has become much harder to actually try and achieve something with what little i have left.

i have been in SS for what...this is my 3rd year already come next month. and what have i achieved or done for them ? nothing worth remembering. not even a trophy. when others whom came in the same time as me already done so. better yet. i still feel every bit disappointed in a way that well, i have been overlooked. everyone in the team has a place and purpose. always felt dispensable. now i feel utterly useless -.- ---insert pathetic whine-- i have spent 3 years first chasing the shadow of perhaps the best rifleman in singapore,who is a dear friend and buddy. then chasing the shadow of everyone else. then being a shadow to my clan, in the end. they get looked up at. i am just " oh. archangel." minus those petty bastards who want to suck up aka DOG. its hard to look for something sincere nowadays. my garand and kar is nowhere what i expect. and i end up just staring at the screen with disappointment, and end up playing in other servers....where i stare at the screen with more frustration instead. am making it no secret that i have been trying my darnest to fit back in with the guys. but i guess. the rest find me oversensitive. over hyped. and ultimately. just another useless rifle. finding it alot harder to turn to myself more and more. the trust in that i have cover isnt there anymore. no fun playing the bad guy , being a nag. and being crapped.

rock off my heart. at the very least i guess. 2 panadols , and chicken rice time.

clarence

vindicated.

2005-02-17T03:44:00.000+08:00

Am not trying to be paranoid....but....... the back of my head hurts like crazy alot. when i say alot. imagine this. someone raises his/her/its voice . i get the sudden hit pangs in my brain. Something like "HEY BUSTER. THAT HURT WAYYY TOOO MUCH". i was reading a storybook and when i leaned back on my armchair ( its cushioned by the way. plus one more pillow at the head/neck area)., if i am not careful and i let my head fall back too fast. it hurts. WTF? at first it was just a dull ache. then it became quite bad these past few weeks...... argh. damn headache.

in other news. well febuary 26/27 is just around the corner. i hate to be depressing. but to those who know how i am. STAY AWAY. if i look homicidal. restrain me. if i feel like giving up a tiny bit. dont make me whine so much. if i procastinate. GET ME ASS MOVING. if i appear just abit sad. please come down hard and remind me that i should get back to work.

to those who know why i asked for the above. yes. i am being escapist by throwing myself to work/ANYTHING in order to take my mind of lynn. i am not afraid to admit anymore either.

refering to the post earlier. nice guys finish last. i have been called nice lots. but you know what? i feel just. utterly ugly inside. then again. i always end up in fistfights in my mind.

my blog. i just need to spam.

to my friends. thank you. in advance.

aight. back to work. lets see if i can post wee bit more later.

clarence.

ps: OK BIG SIDENOTE>>> replace those "honor" with "horror" in the earlier post. i was.....in trauma :P

Errr?

2005-02-17T03:41:00.000+08:00

Got this from Valerie, whom said she got this from pam.....nice warm fuzzy read. but erm. not meant for me =P

This is a tribute to the nice guys.
(you know who you are. and to specifically one of them, stop saying you're fugly. lol)

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point.

This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support.

This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern.

This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door.

For the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population,
For the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway,
For the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters,
For the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends,
For all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it.
This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” (sound familiar?) Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks.

Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!).

But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought (me! me!) and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. (yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeng!)
You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

lynn

2005-02-14T19:50:00.000+08:00

i visited lynn in the morning today, no fanfare whatsoever. just the myself and my thoughts for 2 hours. went for lunch. met jane and handed some stuff over. had a long phone conversation with her. that wraps something else up....i guess. was wandering around rather aimlessly when i bumped into val and chris. of all people. hhaha.

happy valentines day.
clarence

well.

2005-02-13T19:16:00.000+08:00

The weekend was ok i guess. spent friday night getting ready for something in school. finished some work in the morning on saturday and still had time to go down on saturday to meet up for the l5r tourney. i came in pretty good considering that as a newbie playing what i feel is abit of a difficult deck. i gave a particular unicorn a hard time =p. chilling out today i guess. nothings going through my mind. shall post as it comes.

clarence

test

2005-02-12T09:49:00.000+08:00

test. gonna try new skin.